lornagrl

Spandex/Jeans

Spandex

Jeans

Picking colors..

I had the finishing touches of my breast reconstruction done on Monday.  The nipple tattoo.  The most exciting thing about this is that I got to pick the colors.  They gave me a pantone card so I could  choose, like I was selecting which color to paint my kitchen.  I'm not kidding.

I was told by the plastic surgeon that this was a primer.  I may need to get a touch up in a few years.

My number....

Jade Goody died Sunday morning.  It seems very strange to me.  She was diagnosed with cervical cancer in August 2008.  I remember seeing it on the news.  There were photos of her looking absolutely devastated and terrified and I knew exactly how she felt.  I felt so badly about her and I didn't even really know much about her.  I loathe reality television shows. I also wanted to send her good vibes and tell her..it's okay.  You'll do some chemo, maybe radiation, your hair will fall out but it will grow back.  It may even grow back curly.  You will get through this...

The weeks after I was diagnosed are all a blur.  What I do remember is  I spent hours and hours scouring the internet for other blogs.  I wasn't interested in statistics.  I never trusted them anyway.  I wanted to read about others who had been through it and pulled through.  I came across Karen's site.  Karen George found a lump in her breast but her Dr. didn't see the need to send her for a mammogram or a biopsy.  The Dr. even told her not to worry if the lump got bigger.  A year later, the lump was bigger and she developed a hacking cough.  Tests later revealed that the cancer had spread to her lungs and bones.  I sent her an email to see how she was doing and that I had been recently diagnosed.  This is the email she sent back..

I’m so sorry to hear that you were recently diagnosed with this terrible disease.  I know exactly how you must be feeling.  The uncertainty, the fear.  But I hope that it will ease your mind to know that I am currently in remission.

I had a pretty bad diagnosis.  Stage 4 with mets to my lymph nodes, lungs, and bones.  After 8 rounds of chemo, a lumpectomy and lymph node dissection and 6 weeks of radiation, I was cancer free.  Or so I thought.  About 10 months later cancer was rediscovered in my brain.  I had nine tumors, one was over an inch in diameter!  I had another 15 rounds of radiation and now I am once again in remission.  My doctors are completely amazed by my recovery.  In fact, I’m training for a marathon right now.

I want to tell you this because right now, I know it must seem completely overwhelming to you.  But, you can get through this.  It might be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but you can do it.  I am a huge proponent of Mind over Matter.  I believe with meditation you can assist your treatment and tell convince yourself that you will be healed.  Convince your mind, and your body will follow.

Please let me know how things go as your find out more about your staging.  Take care of yourself, Lorna and give me a call if you need to talk.

A few months later I learned that Karen's cancer came back.  It has spread to her ovaries.  She died in August of 2008. 

Tomorrow morning, I am going to see the plastic surgeon to have my nipples tattooed.  I was supposed to do this back in November but work kept me from it.  I kept putting it off for some reason.  I didn't know but I think it's because I hate going to the Dr. now.  After the procedure tomorrow I am going to my six month visit to the oncologist.  I have nothing to report to her.  I feel fine.  I'm not achy, or sick.  I'm not tired.  I have a healthy appetite.  I go to work everyday.  I see my friends.  A pill once a day.   A shot once a month.  That's it. 

Two women, one who gave me encouragement, another who I would have liked to given encouragement to, they are both dead.  I seem barely scathed.

Is my turn coming?

I need to get me one of these for the office...

A co-worker sent this to me and I've watched it about five times. I love this. 
Auto Tuning from Casey D on Vimeo.

Wing Fat Laundromat, Newkirk Avenue, Brooklyn, NY

Hats.....Fabric....Boobs...

I spoke to a woman a few days ago who had no idea I had breast cancer. She was telling me about some lumps she's had checked every six months for the last few years, and how stressful it's been. I told her that I knew what she was talking about. REALLY knew, and then told her my story.  How I had breast cancer, and went through chemo, radiation, and a double mastectomy with a tram flap reconstruction.  She was shocked to say the least.  She has only known me for a few months.  She had no idea.  (she also kept looking at my boobs.  They always do.) 

She of course had a bunch of questions for me.  I didn't know what to say.  My views on breast cancer are so skewed.  I didn't want to terrify her.  That yes, most likely her lumps are benign, she has been watching them for years, they haven't grown.  But the truth is they can't tell weather a tumor is malignant by looking at a sonogram, that I have known women who believed their doctors when they were told this.  These women are dead now.

I have restored the breast cancer posts.  I'm not keeping quiet anymore.

Took some more pics on my afternoon walk today. 

Hats

Fabric

Boobs

Pork, Plastic, Moi.....

Here are some photos I took on my lunch "fifteen minutes".  There are some interesting areas around my office to take pictures.  This winter has been bitter cold, and I've been very busy.  Co-worker Galina does a lot of lunch time photo trips. 

BTW the pizza parlor on the corner, that used to have the $150 $1.50 pizza and a soda deal, closed in the new year.  It's now a T-Mobile store. Like we need more of those.

Pork Shop 9th Avenue, NYC ....

Woman model plastic thingy garment district NYC. 

I haven't posted a pic of myself lately so here is one.  I know I'm scowling.   I always do when I'm taking a self portrait for some reason.  You can't really tell how curly my hair is because I think I was actually combing it straight here.  You can see the curls on the end.  This was taken on the Coney Island Board Walk. 

Gregory & Paul's, Coney Island, Sans Rocket

It's going to be very strange living out near Coney Island with Astroland closed. Gregory & Pauls has been around ....forever.  Many don't know this but it's actually open all year around (weather permitting)  I have often grabbed a cup of coffee when I walk on the boardwalk in winter.  It's expensive and terrible...but it's CAFFEINE. 

When they took the rocket down and noticed it was closed I was a little worried that Gregory & Pauls was closing as well.  But I noticed it was open the other day.  

It's going to be an interesting summer.

When you know it's time to fire your therapist....

I've been seeing a therapist.

For almost four years 

Hey it's NYC.  EVERYONE could use a therapist...but cut me some slack, break-ups, break-ins, shattered acting careers, life threatening illnesses..do I need to explain that I have high anxiety? That at times I feel as though there is a marching band in my chest?

My therapist was found by accident.  A co-worker referred hers to me, and her therapist wasn't available so he referred me to a therapist that I'll call Dr. X.

I had never been in therapy before so I don't really have anyone else to compare him to, but I felt very comfortable with  Dr. X .  He was smart, he listened, he was calm, he was in no way manipulative. When I first saw Dr. X I felt I was in a rut.  I had just broken up with a boyfriend, I was stuck in a dead-end job, I had just fully realized that I had abandoned my wavering acting career and I had no idea what to do with my life.  I was stuck and I knew it. 

I realize now that Dr. X was probably not a very good therapist.  We didn't delve into intense tell me about your toilet training analysis but he did help me put some things in perspective.  He also revealed to me, after about six months or so that he too had been an actor for years and had given it up...that he could relate to how I felt.

I continued to see him mostly every other week or so, sometimes once a month.  There was stretch of time where I saw him every week over the winter months because the lack of sunlight often makes me depressed.  He helped me through my break-ins.  He was also the first one to see me after one fateful Dr's appointment. 

Unfortunately there was a serious problem with Dr. X.  He seemed to have a problem keeping his schedule.  He would frequently call to cancel appointments with me, very often at the last minute.  He had babysitting issues, he had the flu, his kids had the flu, he threw his back out.. a few times we couldn't keep our appointments because he didn't have an office.  Not because he was homeless, but because he got his schedule crossed with the other psychologist who shared his office, and we had no space to meet.  Once, I showed up at his office for an appointment and we had to reschedule because his office wasn't available.

This past year something worse was happening.  I would show up at his office for a scheduled appointment and he would have scheduled someone else at the same time by mistake. 

We agreed on a system.  I would email him to confirm our appointments.  First he asked me to email him on Wed. because, he wasn't in the office on Thursdays. But a few weeks ago when I emailed him on a Wed. to confirm he didn't get the message until the next day after he had already scheduled over  my appointment.

Thursday, March 5 was a regularly scheduled appointment.  I emailed him on Thursday morning to confirm.  He didn't respond. So what was I to do?  If I don't show up, I'm responsible for the $150 fee, not the $30 co-pay.  So I had no choice, I had to show up. 

Right before I was supposed to leave there was minor crisis at the office that needed my attention.  This gave me a half an hour to get to his office across town.  If I'm late, say fifteen minutes, I lose fifteen minutes of the session.  If I miss the session entirely I have to pay the $150.  So I rush like a crazy woman to the subway station and head to his office.  When I get off the train at 23rd and Broadway there is a message on my cell phone.  Dr. X wasn't sure if we had an appointment today or not since I didn't email him (I did) and the 7pm slot wasn't available.  Maybe we can meet next week? 

Then it dawns on me... Why am I paying for a therapist when I can probably find a loser boyfriend who will stand me up for free?

A couple of emails and voice mail message later he tells me "it's best to continue this conversation in person.  Let's meet on March 12th."  I'm sorry....let me get this straight.  Dr. X screws up the schedule  for the fourth time in about six months, which understandably pisses me off and inconveniences me and now I have to PAY him to talk about it?

So I sent him an email terminating our therapy, clearly indicating our last session was XXX.  I owe him a small amount of money and I asked him to send me a bill with the amount.  I don't know the amount. Why? Because he had written the amount down in his "book" which he forgot the last time I saw him.  

...and that's why I'm done with therapy.

Abnormally Attracted to Sin....

I just read in Here in My Head that Tori Amos is about to release a new CD  Abnormally Attracted to Sin. The release date is May 19th.  Tori is one of the few artists whose CD's  I purchase in the store...like we used to do in the old days.  Traditionally I buy it on the day of the release.  I didn't do this for her last CD, American Doll Posse. Not sure why...too busy I suppose. 

While I was ill I frequently listened to The Beekeepeer I would tune into the lyrics:

In your gown with your breathing mask on
Plugged into a heart machine
As if you ever needed one
I must see the Beekeeper
I must see if she'll keep her alive
Call Engine 49
I have come with my mustard seed

Chemotherapy was developed from nitrogen mustards. Also, Jesus said: if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.

Yeah both Jesus and Tori come in handy when you get cancer...

btw...here is the track list for Abnormally Attracted to Sin.

• Give
• Welcome to England
• Strong Black Vine
• Flavor
• Not Dying Today
• Maybe California
• Curtain Call
• Fire to Your Plain
• Police Me
• That Guy
• Abnormally Attracted to Sin
• 500 Miles
• Mary Jane
• Starling
• Fast Horse
• Ophelia
• Lady in Blue